Call You Home

We are on a different page now, you and I. 
You, no longer have much to offer me except some occasionally good company.  
I belong somewhere else              because my heart is no longer in this.

 Be shocked, See if i care. 

      see if that will change my mind,                                                                                      because it wont.

I gave somEthing to someone And Don't think I will ever get it baCk.

{not that I am asking for it.}

 I liKE where it is.
I like the hands it is in.
I trust those hanDs,
and those hands are not where you are.
I need to be where I am wanted and treasured more.

This is something I have never felt. 

I am juMping in,
                          letting every inch touch the water,

  hoPing I remember how to swim. 

Waiting for the lifeguard to bring me in from a rushing current.

I have been scared,
but blessed with gratitude for what I have and what I know i have to still accomplish there. 

I am looking at this as the next step. 

I have been called on a mission. 
I have been called home. 

 Because now,  I call you home. 

squeeze me tightly

You don't understand till you feel it.
You don't love it till you lose it.

don't Judge it before you try it.

Respect it when you see it.

Embrace it when you know it. 

let it just be.

Reevaluate lifestyles when it so beautifully takes over yourself.

Distance has no purpose.

 Can't stop it, slow it down, nor halt it.

everything is more beautiful. 

......Though no one will understand....

It is worth it, it is flawless, and no one else matters...so don't let them.

Yeah, I'm happy

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." 
— Joseph Campbell

  Don't let some pre-processed notion of a certain way you pictured your life going disrupt the natural flow of all things beautiful. 

you're different.

Well, not only has my bedroom changed drastically from what it looked like last year or any other environment I have ever lived in but I was noticing today when I was switching out a picture in a frame that was up in my last apartment, I noticed something really kind of funny....

From this...

To this...

I could not think of a more obvious testament to how different I am compared to myself a year ago. Saying that seems so cliché because I think that the word "changed" is too often thrown around but I honestly do feel like I am different. I don't just think it. I feel it, in my body and in my being. I see it in my actions and I know it in my thoughts. Its more real now than ever. Everything is surfaced, my emotions, my feelings, thoughts and fears especially. All clashing and colliding chaotic into one large heap of mess and chaos.  Then there are the really great things too, and I feel great. Adversity is making my life interesting, making it real and keeping my brain intellectual more often than it use to be. Having goals, for the wrong reasons or not, regardless, has led me to this position. Boys that don't matter, all of a sudden because less important and I think with my head more frequently.  I am proud of myself. For growing up and making good use out of my time here, right in this spot. right in this moment and in every moment I am fortunate enough to be here. I know I can live up my important existence and whatever happens, happens. Anxiety, take that.

"having Faith in god, involves having faith in his timing." -Neil A Maxwell

Dungeon

"Now That I See You"

 -Tangled-

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing   

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here, suddenly I see

Standing here, it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

Eugene:

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Things, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight

Now she's here, suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

Rapunzel & Eugene:

And at last I see the light

Eugene:

And it's like the fog has lifted

Rapunzel & Eugene:

And at last I see the light

Rapunzel:

And it's like the sky is new

Rapunzel & Eugene:

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different

Now that I see you, now that I see you.

Hue Know'd(s) Me Bester

Dear Diary,


     I cried into my hands, at a red light, out of sheer exhaustion from  this subject. I want to stop feeling for it, for its constantly on my mind. I need it to relent from interrupting my senses, tingling in my fingertips and when I am tired, burning in my stomach and sitting like a rock in my brain so I am unable to rest when morning time comes.  Mostly I just want you to be small again. Not a day goes by it's not there. Maybe at ten aye-em, or maybe even 11. Please, Just let there be one day. Maybe saturday, or Maybe even sunday. Because I have to. Soon(er), rather than late(r). please?


Sincerely,
Miss Lauren

Suede

     Thank you for teaching me to be a little bit stronger this time, to be a little bit more mature and for being yet another perfect example of what I can see once again I need to change within myself.  I am learning that the hard way but I guess it led me onto your path for a blink in time so I will never regret it. I hope one day we can get past it all and be each other’s friend. To explore what might have been beautiful before feelings got involved and attachments grew stronger. Lets pray for that possibility and also pray for each other’s happiness; happiness being each of our ultimate goals.  Ending on the same page is a noble, brave and respectable thing.  To set aside the differences and move forward in a new light.  Lets try it.

Helping Hands

   I decided to sponsor a child, this has been something I have wanted to do for a really long time but have never actually acted on my want until tonight. I am so happy I did though! Helping out those in need is not only a commandment but its also beneficial to so many people, especially when a child is involved.  I love children and what better way to share that love with nothing other than support, care, love and enough money to help them through their daily lives.

This is Reitumetse, 

she is one year old and was born on feb, 14th 

isn't she a doll? I already love her.

xxXo-Lauren

Making it for me.

 My new Sperry's...and just slowly buying a few summer clothes that I really want. Why do all of the cutest stores have to most expensive clothing??

Guitar Lessons...

 

Cooking 

Being in my house again, living with my family, making dinners, watching shows, sundays, bonding, and even all the drama of it.

Proper tools

            Its neat me how resilient   human beings are, I picture      life so fragile  in our  hands, like A fine piece of porcelain.       If it     falls, it will most   likely break and sometimes there are just too many     pieces to put it back    together  but         its  amazing to me just how much   we can put ourselves     through without our world crumbing all around us.                                

We get Sick

Every so often, we have to put another patch on our broken hearts

But remember.....hair grows back

and its not the end of the world when 
something breaks. 


All you need, are the right tools to fix it.

Whatever it is...

It really will be alright. 

Simple, just don't let it.

Lauren:  I was just thinking about this yesterday, how life is just flashing before my eyes. I worry that i am going to forget the really great moments and memories of my past. I am scared of it actually. I really don't want to forget. especially summer 2008. That was the prime of my life this far. I am so worried that it is going to just all go by so fast and i am going to regret not living life to its full potential. Everyone said that this is actually the best years of your life but they never told me to live slowly and take it all in. Help me to do that okay? remind me. i love and miss you babes.

Kenzie: I'll sure do my best! thats what i'm trying to do too! so you help me too! i keep finding myself thinking back on the past and dont get me wrong, i love, LOVE how my life is now, but i seriously would give anything to go back and relive everything. make me start writing in a journal. please. cause i really wish i would've now because, like you, i'm terrified of forgetting the past. sure, i remember big moments. but its the little moments that count. and those are the ones that are harder to remember forever. i miss you so so much. best friends forever? i love you ♥

Heartfelt feelings through a facebook message, shared between two lifelong friends.

Beauty In simplicity

'

   Find Joy and Beauty in the simplest of things....Stop and smell the roses.

"be soft, do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

The most Perfect.

Let me tell you right quick a few things that I want.. you know, just off the top of my head. 

first and foremost, I WANT MY EARS TO POP! colds are the worst...


       
         I want my room to magically always be clean. Fairy godmother..maybe?
I want to be content, even when I am unhappy, even when the going gets rough.


I want to be the one in control of where I am going to end up, You know, when someone calls me lovely wifey.


                    I want a boyfriend...I do. I run the risk of Jinxing it, I am admitting it.


I always always want to feel like I am where I belong. Where I can do the most good for the world, and where I can grow., quickly,  while taking my time. like a weed.

I want to have a baby, maybe one with a disability, not now, not real soon, but someday. Future someday.

I want September to come, when I am the most perfect version of myself.


                                   I want to swallow my pride. Suck it up and do what is right. 


I want to wake up earlier. Rise early and do good things.

       I want to keep my promises. To myself , just as much as  I strive to do for you. 

I want to eat healthier. get in shape and be confident about wheat I see in the mirror.
I want to like running. Not feel like I am going to pass out cold when I have only gone a couple blocks.


        I want to volunteer, Have a real live true passion for it.




Yikes.  I want lots...

"Theres a right way to live and be happy, it is choosing the right every day"

A Little Bit Stronger

   "I could 

have been 

another minute late, 

and you never 

would have

crossed my path

that day"

...oh how that would have changed everything now that you mean so much to me...

Nothing to offer me.

I have been truly blessed with fantastic intuition.  I know right from wrong, I know who cares about me and who doesn't, I know when I am over stepping my boundaries, and most of all to know where I belong.  

     The day that I came down to provo, I knew that that is where I needed  and was going to go to school, I never thought I would go home again, I was upset when I practically had the decision made for me to go home for summer, but although completely different than my Provo world, I love it. I belong there right now. I have spent the past two weekends here in Provo, for one reason or another...because I missed this life, but both times I have come I have felt so unwelcome.  Unfortunately, I don't even feel welcome in my own apartment which was once a place i called my house. Tonight I realized, that my Provo life is never going to be the same. Chapters of life close all the time but this one is gone, this one is lost and can only be seen as a memory of a word-win of emotions, trail of patience, love and lust, drama and confusion. I know that now, I respect that because I would never take back the times I had. I need to find myself more and more and I can not do that here. Not right now. I am grateful for the ability to know that. 

Someday...

Dream House

Item

Dear boys,

This is not easy for me because I love to forgive and forget...But I am at my whits end. I can barely handle to think about how much I genuinely dislike men. I have never said that and meant it but I do right now.  Maybe its because I just watched the movie He's just not that into you, the movie that brings me back down to earth, or maybe it is actually because I have been treated so badly by boys, and worse thing is, I let it happen.   I keep saying that everything is fine. I keep validating. Its my fault.  the end.

Freshman year of college :)

Digital slideshow created with Smilebox

Treasure the times...

Treasure the times that...

Your mom and dad paid for every meal.
You were rocked to sleep.
You had a bedtime.
You chose to wake up early.
You made forts in the basement.

You were the best mother to your dollies.
Every movie you watched was g or pg.

you took a bath every night.
You wanted homework.
You wanted a retainer.
You wanted to use crutches.
Schoolwork was painting and reading picture books.
A skirt was adorable, never slutty.
You could wear your favorite dress up to the grocery store.
You watched Mary Kate and ashley movies.
You had "late nights" only in weekends.
You would call your friends and say "can you play today". 
You were oblivious
You only saw boys you liked at school.
You ate pizza on fridays.
People talked to you in a high pitched voice.
Your hair did not have to be done to go in public.
Your clothes did not have to match. 
You went weeks before school started to the school building to see who your one teacher was and who was in your class.
Six hours of school didn't seem that long. 

you had your first curfew.

going out on a weeknight was not allowed.

you were not allowed to hang out on sundays.

boys would say "will you go out with me?" which meant you were dating for the next week or so.

you didn't have any real drama.

your parents drove you to everything.

nothing was awkward.

you had braces.

you didn't care about the size of your clothes.

You never looked at the calorie count.

you didn't even know what texting was.

you had your first cell phone.

You had your first day of high school and your world seemed to have gotten suddenly so gigantic.

You had the best time driving around in your car.

You had your first kiss.

You had your first boyfriend.

everything started to get more real.

your curfew got a little later.

your friends started to drive.

You did the cheerleading thing.

You got to go out for lunch during school.

You spent your summer days at the pool.

You realized how much you liked that boy.

You got in trouble. a lot.

You made some actually bad decisions for the first time in your life.

You started watching rated R movies.

You found yourself in bad places.

You started to realize who you were going to turn out to be.

You hated him for not calling you.

You had your first love.

Everyone was jealous of how cute you two were.

You wore his football number to every game.

You learned a lesson from all the boys that hurt you.

You realized who your true friends are.

He held your hand.

He called you beautiful.

You cried over him.

You cried over him again.

He held you.

When everything revolved around boys.

Your friends started to drink a lot of alcohol.

You went to basketball games.

You cheered for the other team because your boyfriend was on it.

You realized that your life was flashing before your eyes....

You moved into your first apartment.

You met your first college friends.

You went through numerous groups of boys that you may never see again.

You realized that drama never goes away.

You got in fights.

You learned the value of money.

You took your family for granted. 

Take away the You.

Key 

Me - I, as in.. Lauren 

U -  Someone else. Some boy.

= - equals 

+ - Plus. Together, one.

- - Minus, not together, without. 

? - Confusing. so confusing. so not convenient, so not appropriate, SO not worth it. 

_______ - Time 

(us) - I, as in.. Lauren + Someone else. Some boy. 

:) - Happiness 

Equation A:                      Me + U = ?

Equation B:                  Me - U = ________ :) 

As much as I do not want to accept this, its true, with time equation B is going to be MUCH more beneficial to my.... :)

xxXo - Lauren 

My own heart beating

         Still wish I never met you... or do I? I can’t decide but I think I take back what I just said because I know I could not live without having met you. Either of you… I know if I let you go, I would regret it because its obvious that you have left your name inside me somewhere, maybe my heart or my head, replacing ones that were once there.  Both of your names… Someone just said one of your names all the way across the room, as soon as the first letter was even blurted out, my head turned, my tired eyes perked up and before I could do anything to stop it, my heart was in my stomach. This is childish. Two? No, but deep down, I know that one is filling the void and helping me convince myself that I really don’t care more about the other when I know its obvious that I really do. Really really do… 

Effective filth

Yeah, judge me, judge me, but I saw the black swan for the second time tonight. (but only paid a dollar this time) and not only did I go see it but I had to work hard to do so, this meant sneaking in! Me and Katelin bought a ticket to Narnia...but didn't actually intend on seeing Narnia. I take being eighteen for granted, let me tell you that.  anyways, once we settled in our seats and stopped worrying that ever person that walked into the theatre was someone coming to kick us out, I started analyzing, (like I do to absolutely everything). Here is a plot summary for all you good little ladies and gents that did not go see this rated R movie in the first place.  

Nina is a ballerina in a New York City ballet company whose life, like all those in her profession, is completely consumed with dance. She lives with her obsessive former ballerina mother Erica who exerts a suffocating control over her. When artistic director Thomas Leroy decides to replace prima ballerina Beth MacIntyre for the opening production of their new season, Swan Lake, Nina is his first choice. But Nina has competition: a new dancer, Lily, who impresses Leroy as well. Swan Lake requires a dancer who can play both the White Swan with innocence and grace, and the Black Swan, who represents guile and sensuality. Nina fits the White Swan role perfectly but Lily is the personification of the Black Swan. As the two young dancers expand their rivalry into a twisted friendship, Nina begins to get more in touch with her dark side - a recklessness that threatens to destroy her.Thomas Leroy, the artistic director of a New York City ballet company, is mounting Swan Lake as the company's next production. Many of the ballerinas in the company aspire for the lead, which would have previously gone to the company's former principle dancer Beth Macintyre before her forced retirement. No one wants the the role more than Nina Sayers, who lives to dance, so much so that she wants to be exactly like Beth in every aspect. Nina lives with her overbearing mother, Erica Sayers, a former ballerina who now lives vicariously through her daughter as she never made it as a ballerina herself. Nina is a technically proficient and hard working dancer who can easily capture the essence of the innocent white swan, but Thomas doesn't believe she has the dark passion required to portray the black swan. An unexpected move by Nina convinces Thomas that Nina may have what it takes, and he gives her the lead. Thomas will do anything to get that passion out of her. Nina feels that her new place in the company is threatened by Lily, a ballerina newly arrived into the company from San Francisco. Lily, who is looser in every aspect of her life than Nina, encompasses the essence of the black swan more so than Nina. But as Nina believes Lily is to her what she herself was to Beth, Nina, in doing whatever it takes to be perfect as both the white swan and the black swan, descends into madness.

  Now I am not justifying that this movie is good, or uplifting but I can and will say that it sends a good message.  It is chock-full of symbolism.  Just for example, black swan, temptation or sin, white swan, innocence or virtue. When nina is being described and her bedroom is being shown, you notice that there are stuffed animals, pastels covering every inch, basically just like the room has not been touched since she was an innocent little girl which is what she is, innocent.  Lily, the rebellious, seductive, initially more appealing to the world girl is the exact opposite, the most bad influencing example that Nina falls into the trap of following.  Ninas mom, representing insecurity and a reaffirmation of what she does not want to become.   Until within the ballet, Nina is cased as the swan queen, do these things start to become effective. 

   This movie the best example of how we are all living our lives with temptation as well as jealousy.  We are surrounded with things that tempt us, whatever that might be, and even though we all know what is right from wrong, it is not always obvious what your decision should be, especially when you are already so week.  Sometimes we just want to throw the stuffed animals in the garbage and say, to hell with innocence when the other side clearly looks so much more desirable.  When you fall for these temptations, there is only one way to travel; Down, we are on a slippery slope as it is and to fall for temptation and jealousy is just like greasing the ski's so much that you eventually lose control. In the end of the movie, I liked knowing while watching the white swan fall to her death, because of endless pressure of temptation that over took her, that I know that no matter how far I fall, and however deep, There is always a way to stand again. Repentance. 

by the way...Can I also just say that a good theme to live by that has been magnified to me this week is that honesty really is the best policy. 


xxXo
Lauren

My, What big eyes you have

"Being apart comes with its own dangers, but of those I am less afraid."

Super Solitude

  Before I sit down to write something, I lost my train of though because I think my post's should have a topic.  Its madness in my life right now but whats new, so i am going to write like the way I feel right now.  Confused.  

      Although through the help of my best friend, I have figured out what has been mostly weighting on my mind, I am still in kind of a jumble and need a re-coop and from experience I know that writing helps me realize things...

Win-win or no deal: 
       I know that I need to be thinking win-win or no deal, well, I learned that today. (Who knew you learn things in school?) The situation I am in right now was not going to be a positive situation or a win, win or no deal.  there were too many red flags and too many things that I know I could never live with so why would I want to?  You truly do want what you can not have.  I just need to remember that if I ever had the chance to have what I couldn't have, I know I probably wouldn't want it.  I just know myself that well to be a smart and sensible young lady and remember, I am better off without.  No matter how hard it might be to stay away, even if I have nothing to hold onto.  

Drama?: 
        yeah, is over rated.  All I know is people are always going to do things to hurt you. You are always going to have people that do things that might break you in a mild or a major way. Always.  There are a lot of people in the world that thrive on these kinds of things.  Its true, that someone can be so insecure with themselves that they fuel on bringing others down and the drama that is created from it.  The thing about it is that I would never take back the experience of meeting people like this or I would have never learned a lesson from it.  Drama is unavoidable, its irritation does not get easier by age, I have come to know, but it can be minimized if you let it be that way.  All I can say though is,  forgiveness is not weakness. 

Younger days flashback:     


              some amazing advice to those in high-school

1. Decide and always remember who your true friends are and make sure they come first.

2. If you have to be a part of something that is dramatic, make sure all of your bases are covered and you can trust all of the parties involved when letting someone else in on the situation.

3. Be adventurous, do crazy, fun things, that are relatively safe, somewhat smart, and that wont make you feel guilty in the morning.

4. In the end, after everyones opinions and advice, decide for yourself what you really want or you will never be happy with your final decision. 

5. Dont regret or dwell on anything. Whats done is done.

6. Always shower and get ready for the night, you never know what will happen, but learn to do it in a timely fashion that wont leave your friends always waiting for you.  (You do not want to be the friend that you have to call two hours before anything because they know that is how long it takes them to get ready.)

7. Follow through with the first plans you made, even when a better offer comes along.  There is a reason that you made the first plans first.

8. Always do your best in school, it will all be worth it when you start applying for colleges.

9. Always remember who you are and what you stand for.

Love life.

<3- Lauren